Friday, May 1, 2009

Nestled in Negativity

Hi All!

For all of those who believe that when I momentarily sink into negativity that I am complaining . . . stop reading RIGHT NOW and come back tomorrow. This post is going to be negative.

Fair warning.

All of my life I have been taught that I should rise above negativity in my life. When bad things happen, I should look at the positive side and try to make the proverbial lemonade out of life's "lemons." Putting a smile on my face was the way I should face negative events in my life and I should just "suck it up" and "move past it."

Generally, with a tiny bit of wallowing once in a while, I have managed to do all of these things. Despite my apparent negativity at a SD support group meeting, almost everyone who knows me struggles to think of times when I have been negative. I honestly try to deal with negativity by looking for the proverbial silver lining.

I have looked at negative people and tried to find the good in them. People who have tried to spread their negativity onto me have been viewed with a forgiving eye.

But . . .

Every once in a while - like now - I feel like taking in the negativity and holding it close letting it fester and grow for a while. I want to be negative and to look at the world in a non-Pollyanna way. I want to react with major passive aggression or just plain aggression. I want to get in the face of the negativity and out negative it. I want to tell negative people just how I really feel about their attitude and behavior. I want to punch people who tell me to "suck it up." I want to scream and cry and hit things. Maybe even throw an item or two.

I want to be negative. I want to be consumed by the feeling instead of trying to fight it back with positive thoughts.

I want to say whatever I want without thinking about how it will impact people who hear it. I want to tell the honest, brutal truth to people instead of either avoiding the comment or trying to find a way to "soften the blow." I want to tell people how they are inconsiderate and messing up my life!

I want to nestle in my negativity.

Is that wrong?

Trisha

Voice Update: Things are good. My neck is still sore from the massage Susan gave me on Wednesday. I did a bunch of massage yesterday while watching a movie in Deaf Culture class. It was a bit painful but I did it!

3 comments:

asthmagirl said...

Wow...

Who doesn't feel or think those things occasionally? I think it makes a difference that while you rail at things and people internally, externally you would never want to intentionally hurt someone.

It's odd to read that whole post and then read the good news about your voice!

Be good to yourself!

Mental P Mama said...

I think it's good to wallow in it every once in a while. Then get back up on the horse. Take care;)

noble pig said...

I think you need to feel those feelings and deal with them. Holding it in or brushing it under the carpet can lead to other issues. Fight back!