The title of my blog reflects what has been normal in my dreams ever since my voice began acting strangely about three years ago. No matter what my voice did during my waking hours I always talked normally in my dreams. It was weird and made me feel a little disoriented when I woke up to find my voice wasn't exactly - or even close - to what it was in my dream.
Well, the other night I had a dream and . . . I didn't talk "normally" in it. Instead, I sounded pretty much like I really do. My voice was ALMOST normal but with the slight hesitations and missing sounds that randomly pepper my speech. I even remember trying to say a word beginning with the letter h in my dream and needing a second to actually get the darn word started!
This dream left me confused when I woke up. After all - this wasn't a "normal" dream for me. Normally, I can talk, yell, scream, etc. in my dreams like I could before Spasmodic Dysphonia moved into the neighborhood. m Why in the world would this dream reality change?
I have been pondering the meaning of this dream transformation for a couple of days. After a lot of mulling, I think I have reached a conclusion.
Ever since my voice began to exhibit symptoms of SD, I have been in various stages of the grieving process. After all - I lost a part of me which was very important to me when I "got" SD. I LOVE public speaking and teaching - both of which pretty much necessitate a good speaking voice - something I no longer have. Having that taken away from me was like a part of me actually died - I had to accept that these things were not going to have the same role in my life.
Lately, with my voice being relatively strong and stable, I have been able to start believing that this is how I will be for the rest of my life. I have have tossed that idea around in my head for the past five or six months and, you know what - I am okay with that! I am happy with my voice right now. Yes, I do get frustrated when I can't call Hubby from the other room and have to walk to where he is so he can hear me. I also worry about not being able to scream or yell - what would I do if I was in an emergency? (Just so you know - I have a whistle I tote around with my purse just in case. I do wonder if I would remember to use it though!)
I think the change of my voice in my dreams is a sign that I am coming closer and closer to accepting the fact that SD is in my life for good. I will eternally be locked in the "dance" between my voice and SD.
I just hope I learn all the steps!
I am a bit hoarse today - I think it is from allergies and drainage. The words are coming out okay - well as okay as ever which means still a bit of a problem with the unvoiced consonants- but just a bit "foggy." I massaged my larynx as I was walking today and since I was listening to my podcasts I didn't hear the crunchy sound as much. I am determined to get more oral reading going today. I will work my way through the current book I am reading. Maybe it will be better read out loud!