Hi All!
I am angry. I don't know why. I don't know at whom. I don't know at what. I am just angry. I feel that horrible turmoil inside which marks anger. I think there might be some frustration at something mixed in for good measure. I feel like screaming - everything, absolutely everything - seems to hit a nerve. Nothing I do seems to be right.
My voice is doing okay today but I am angry about having SD. I walked today and the birds were doing their best to chirp melodious tunes but I didn't want to hear them. The sun was trying to shine and warm me up but all I felt was the cold of the shadows cast by the overlarge houses. I am just angry.
I told my husband about my anger last night and he said that I didn't seem angry. That is good, i suppose. It would be worse if I went around looking as angry as I felt and scaring people in my path. I do have to go to the grocery store today (and I am angry about that, of course!) and don't want the poor check-out person to cringe when I show up.
It could be hormones or the pollen count. It could be the swings of temperature we are having lately. It could just be that I haven't been good and angry for a while. I don't know. All I know is that I am angry!
I hope your day is better and less angry than mine!
Trisha
4 comments:
Our oldest daughter ran away in January. It was more than a shock and left us reeling. Because she was 18, there was nothing we could do(She is now 19). We began seeing a counselor to help us get through this. We have yet to get her to agree to go with us. Anyway, our counselor talks a lot about anger being a two sided coin, with the other side being hurt. When you are feeling more anger, you need to look at what is really hurting you... it goes the other way as well. When you are really hurting you need to look at what is making you angry.
In regard to SD... I've gone back and forth between hurt and anger. Only when I was angry I didn't always realize what it was that I was angry about. When I really got honest with myself I saw that I felt rejected by God. I love kids. I love working with kids and was involved in an inner city/homeless ministry to kids for years. I thought that when I was done raising my kids that I would do something like that full time. I taught Sunday School. I didn't understand why I would be afflicted this way when there is such a shortage of people willing to be involved in those areas. I felt like God had put me on a shelf and didn't need me or want me. It hurt. It still hurts. But His ways are not my ways. I don't know what He is doing in my life or why. For me, my problems with SD go so far beyond just being able to speak clearly. It is painful to my very core. It's like I've lost my purpose... well, what I thought my purpose was and now I can't find what my purpose truly is. At times, it really makes me angry because I am hurt.
Does that make sense?
Your comment certainly makes sense. I have felt a bit like that myself when I was unable to teach due to my voice. I know that God has a reason for this and eventually it will all be made clear but . . . I am impatient and want it to be clear on MY terms not His!
I managed to work out a lot of my anger by getting mad at the dirt and grass in an area I am prepping to be a new flower bed. A few hours of shoveling and digging really released a lot of frustration for me. I am not nearly as angry now as I was this moring when I posted "Abnormal Anger."
Have I mentioned how much I look forward to your comments? You are such a good blog friend!
Have you gotten any further on an SD ring?
Thank you so much for your encouraging words on my blog Trisha. I really appreciate it and it means so much coming from a fellow SD sufferer. (is that even a word? if not, I make it one now!)
I saw on your blog roll that you are aware of the other two SD blogs. That is it. I'm not sure how I feel about the one blog but I did request Dr. Sarno's books from the library just to see what he has to say for myself. The SD BB moves so slow and most of what is talked about on there is just straight SD. I need more than that. I am not meaning to say anything bad about it and I think it is an incredible resource (it really helped me through all the botox stuff) but, now, two years down the road... I'd like to branch out and link up with others in a way that encompasses more of our lives as a whole. Do you know what I mean?
I know from my site meter that there are people linking to my site through the SD BB. I imagine they are also hitting here. Hopefully, they will read what we write to one another and at some point feel comfortable enough to join in. (Come on now! Don't just be a lurkin').
I look forward to your posts and comments as well.
God Bless!
Okay - so - how do you get people to come to your blog? I think I only have my parents and you. I might have one other person who checked in once. Is my blog not interesting enough? I have the same problem with my podcast - only about 20 people or so seem to listen. It is frustrating when I want to get the word out to more people.
It seems hard to believe that there are only three SD people blogging in the entire world! How do you find other blogs? That has been one thing that has been puzzling me. I know that there are literally millions of blogs out there but is there a blog directory like there are podcast directories?
I agree with you about wanting to know more about general life with SD instead of just the support group kind of thing. Our local support group is sort of morphing into something which, I hope, is more casual and allows for more "real life" everyday kinds of discussions.
That is why I enjoy your site so much and I enjoy your comments. You are real and life does go on dispite SD.
Okay - I am rambling a bit today.
I am not sure about the one site either. Let me know about the book. I haven't read the entire blog but . . .
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