Tuesday, July 12, 2011

Tuesday Thoughts

Hi All!

Another day, another walk and another swim. The walk was ridiculously sweaty! I guess that is bound to happen when it is in the upper 80s at 7:00 A.M.! The swim was heavenly. The water was nice and cool (they must be adding water every morning to keep it cool) and I had the pool all to myself. I upped the lap count by one to 17 (!) and it felt good. I feel stronger each day I swim.

Of course, then I have to walk home and get all sweaty again!

Watering the flowers helps a bit since I can "accidentally" spray myself when I get too hot.

Mom pointed out that I didn't tell you all that I did buy a new oven to replace the clean, dead one. It has to be ordered because I am terribly unfashionable and want white instead of stainless steel (all of my other appliances are white and I don't want mismatched appliances AND I just don't fancy stainless steel too much. I know - that makes me a bit of a freak but . . . they just remind me too much of industrial cafeterias!). Anyway- the oven will be here - eventually! Until then it is a bakeless life for Hubby and me!

Speaking of Hubby. Last night he said something that triggered a memory for me.

We were watching a show called something like "Rick's Restorations" or something. Anyway - the man who does the restorations, Rick, apparently fascinated Hubby. He said "That guy just seems like a neat guy. I like him."

That comment - the "neat" part - reminded me of hearing my dad, the high school principal, talk about this kid or that kid and say that they were "neat." He would always say this with such admiration that I wanted to be a "neat kid" too. I wanted someone to look at me and say I was a "neat kid" with admiration - the way my Dad said it about these other kids.

Now, I am not saying that this has been the guiding principle of my life - to be "neat-" but, it has always been there in the back of my mind somewhere. Even when I was messing up colossally (and I do everything in a big way!). I wanted to make a positive impression on someone, somehow.

For a long time, I thought that I would make an impression as a teacher. I thought that parents and kiddos would look back on their time in my class and think that I was a "neat" teacher. Well, I am not really sure that I met that mark. Yes, I do have many students who still remember me fondly but did they think I was "neat?" I just don't know.

Once the whole teaching thing was taken from me due to my "dance" with SD, I found myself floundering in so many ways. In the midst of trying to deal with my voice and its sudden demands on my time and consciousness, I struggled with wanting to do something that people would appreciate and admire.

During my most intense dance with SD I was dedicated to spreading the word about SD to people. I started up a podcast to let people hear someone with an SD voice. Then I started this blog. The purpose for the blog was to talk about SD. Maybe, just maybe I could help someone with their own SD dance and they could (possibly!) think I was "neat."

However, both the podcast and the blog (at least the part focused on SD) lost momentum as my voice got better and more and more people expressed doubt about me even having SD. This really knocked the legs out from under me. I found myself struggling with all kinds of self-doubt and feelings of anger and frustration. I had worked so hard and so darn long to improve my voice and as soon as it was better (through the grace of God and a lot of hard work with a FABULOUS speech therapist) people had the nerve to tell me to my face that they thought I was a fake!

Definitely not thinking I was "neat," were they?

After much self-examination, I decided to veer away from my SD mission. Yes, I still have SD. I STILL HAVE SD. It won't go away. Even though my voice is WONDERFUL, I still have SD. Just stress me out or make me upset and you will hear the SD come right in to lead the dance!

Now I am trying, once more, to find something to do with my life that might make a favorable impression. A lasting impression. I am training to be an American Sign Language Interpreter. Sign language fascinated me and I like being able to communicate with Deaf people. However, I find myself struggling. Is this really what I should be doing? This summer, with its medicine issues, has kept me from really working on my ASL skills (which really need work!). Now I am thinking . . . is this the way I want to go? Will I ever be able to do this?

Am I just trying to do something that other people will think is "neat" or am I doing something that I really like?

Can't people just think I am "neat" because of who I am? Does it have to be dependent on what I do?


Voice Update: I am pleased to say that I am back on top of the game with my massage. I haven't been doing too many exercises and I probably should be since I am not really talking to many people (and thus exercising my voice) this summer. It seems like there is always something else I "should" be doing! However, it is all worth it in the end if my voice keeps rockin' and rollin' right?


Mental P Mama said...

I don't know about most of this...but you are entitled to the color appliance you want! And you seem so so so much better now! Hugsssss.

Anonymous said...

That sounds very hurtful for someone to say such a thing. So glad you have good voice quality but I know what you mean about it always being there.